At some point in our timeline we gradually begin to take over the molding and shaping of our own lives.

Sometimes, however, we believe that by making excuses or blaming others, we can deny that we are in control of certain areas of our life until ‘all issues’ are resolved in that area.

Some of us crossed that line of responsibility for our own lives long ago and are just afraid to fully put our hands to the work. Maybe because it just feels so messy.

I tried recently to think of one creative process that we as human beings engage in that wasn’t messy at some level and I couldn’t think of any.

I invite you to lay claim to that part of your life that is messy and become a fearless creator and shaper. See the possiblities and opportunites that exist because you exist and shape yourself into the type of person, mother, friend, companion you want to be.

What happens to clay if it’s not worked? It becomes brittle and cracks under heaviness instead of being pliable and adaptable when there is change – and there is always change.

If you feel like you’re ready to get your hands dirty but don’t know how or where to start, and don’t want to go it alone consider working with a life coach. Creation is messy but the results of pushing your life and growth forward are profound. Live the life your soul intended.

Twala Tharp, world famous choreographer and dancer was demonstrating how, in her late 60s, she stays limber.  As she went through a series of rolls and stretches and then rewarded herself happily by bouncing around on a very large bright blue aerobic ball, she was joyful and yes, very limber.  When done she slapped her knee and said  ” that my friend, is the decipline of being free”.  As I sit here, much less limber, than a woman nearly twice my age, I was struck by the ache in my knees just from watching her and the beauty of the phase: “the discipline of being free”.

If you’re used to my writing than you know that I truly believe that those ‘ah ha’ moments are magic. And this was certainly one of those moments.  But that is where my romance with those moments end.  Because I also believe that they don’t change your life one iota without the work.

What Ms Tharp was saying, was what I’ve been saying from day one.  “Trust the process. Show up and do the work and you will be free to develop yourself and your creativity in the process”.

In my Fear less, Live More Bridge Club I invite all members to do the same: There’s no ‘right moment.  Let’s do the right work, right now and the freedom to live the life you want to live will come in the process.

As far as doing the work as the ‘decipline of being free’ – I,for one, have been stretching every day since I saw her bouncing on that ball!

As a special treat for the creatives in all of us, here’s a bit more from Twyla on  motiviation, creativity and ‘doing the work’.

As a teenager, I lived in the heart of a very politically unstable third world country. During an election year it was not safe as a foreigner or as a young woman to travel alone. At one point there had been many reports of attacks, especially in the city where we lived.

Once, I went to a friend’s house, where I intended to stay only briefly and wound up staying for several hours. When I left to return home it was dark and a friend drove me back to my house even though it was only a few hundred feet away, because we all knew it wasn’t safe. When I returned home, I noticed that the family car was gone (rare in those days because there was a gas shortage) and my brother was sitting outside (rarer still because he was always out with friends). He said ‘where have you been?’ in a way that made me suddenly realized I hadn’t told anyone where I was going, and he shook his head as if he was resigned to my beheading.

My response? — I went completely numb. I didn’t think, I didn’t feel, I didn’t panic, I just sat there and waited, which was interpreted as indifference. It wasn’t, I simply didn’t know what else to do, I had no skills to deal with a mistake this bad. I hadn’t done it on purpose or to be stubborn or inconsiderate I just wasn’t thinking the way a parent would think.

I don’t know how much time past but the next thing I remember there were tires screeching on our long gravel drive way and the family car appeared in a cloud of dust. As clutches were popped and doors were flung open, and people rushing toward me, there was a blur of questions and I sat there numb, as hands flailed about, and father hoarsely screamed about trips to police stations and missing person reports and drives to hospitals to see if I was one of the beaten bodies unclaimed that day and an entire tank of gas used up running ‘up and down the countryside’ trying to find me.

His fear for my safety erupted into anger long before it dissolved into relief that I was okay. As a parent of 3 daughters today I begin to understand what my father must have gone through as I benignly played board games at a friend’s house that day at the age of 15.

Today as an executive coach, experienced in supporting my clients productively through difficult situations, I understand that anger is often a common response to fear. So is going completely numb. Here is no desire to go numb without the presence of fear neither is there anger unless fear of some type is present. Think about the last time you got angry? What was the circumstance? What was the anger really about? Really?

Responding to fear in the form of anger is what creates ‘turfs’ in neighborhoods and keeps our inner city youth’s world too small. It’s what causes a mother to beat a child after yanking him back from a road and the path of an oncoming car. It’s what makes a man -who thought his daughter had been brutally attacked and left for dead – slap his daughter’s face upon finding her alive and well. I understand how a person who loves you can hit you because he is scared for himself and for you. I don’t condone it, I don’t support it, I wouldn’t tolerate it, I simply understand it.

My father had never slapped me before or since. And in his apology later in the evening he said he was sorry he had to slap me over ‘such a thing’. Yes you read that correctly. He felt he had to slap me. He felt he had no choice. His lashing out was the only tool he had at his disposal.

At the time I felt the only tool I had at my disposal was to go completely numb. If it had been my brother he would have spent his time planning an apology and if needed, an escape route. We all had our own way of dealing with fear, but only my brother’s way would have been productive.

I have spent many years since that time, learning about mastering the fears that keep you from showing up for your life the way you want to so you can accomplish your goals and I love supporting my clients in doing the same. And while getting angry or going numb turns out not to be very effective in moving the ball forward, sometimes a sincere apology, quick thinking and an effective exit strategy is just the thing to protect your integrity, your proverbial hide and a life lived in freedom instead of fear!

]]> http://deborahguyskriloff.wordpress.com/2008/07/03/3rd-world-anarchy-a-board-game-and-a-lesson-i-will-never-forget/feed/ 0 deborahskriloff http://deborahguyskriloff.wordpress.com/2008/07/02/course-compassion-for-others-absolutely-compassion-for-myself-uhhuummmm/ http://deborahguyskriloff.wordpress.com/2008/07/02/course-compassion-for-others-absolutely-compassion-for-myself-uhhuummmm/#comments Wed, 02 Jul 2008 18:17:36 +0000 deborahskriloff http://deborahguyskriloff.wordpress.com/?p=37 ]]>

The power of compassion is changing the world in many wonderful ways. I know that many people reading this are part of that change.

However, over and over again, I see the most compassionate people I know unwilling to extend compassion to themselves. I see it because I know exactly what to look for. I used to be pretty void of compassion for myself for alot of years! We have compassion for humanity at large but beat ourselves up when we stumble or feel inadequate in business or family relationships or life.

I invite you take a moment and imagine the following:What if there was nothing more to learn, no future growth possible? What if we were as competent in all areas of our life as we were ever going to be? Think about that for a minute ……………. okay now stop thinking about it– Yuck. Pretty abysmal thought ain’t it? But day in and day out, many of us live as if this were true in one or more areas of our lives because we believe we can’t change. We may even feel we are unfixable or broken in some way or that ‘fixing’ would require risking a vulnerability we are just not willing to deal with and that it probably wouldn’t ‘work’ anyway. When we do this to ourselves we are living as if no future growth is possible so why bother even discussing it? This is the big lie we tell ourselves.

Now I am not suggesting we walk around in T-shirts announcing our weaknesses to the world. I am suggesting, however, that when fear of feeling inadequate, or stupid, or weak, or like a failure, stops us from going after our goals; when we invest more energy and emotion in making sure we do nothing that exposes our chinks, instead of living fullout and learning what to do about chinks as we go along, then we are wasting a whole lot of our life and our energy on things that are worth neither time nor energy.

The truth is we all have chinks in our armor. It’s part of the human experience As we begin to see our own humanity, we begin to see that the chinks in our armor are not defects but gifts to us that help us remember that we are by nature, learners and growers.

Do chinks keep us humble? you bet they do. Yet when I think of all the leaders I truly admire, all of them were humble, capable, passionate and had weaknesses that they neither boasted of nor denied — most of them made mistakes as they grew into becoming who they were meant to be and all were great life long learners who understood they were capable of growth in all areas of their lives. Just like you.

Often when an older child is placed for adoption, they are given the option of selecting a new first name. Many cultures and faiths give you a new name when you commit to live a new life. This is not odd and it is something that has supported many a high school student as they transitioned from high school to college or college to the work place. Artys became Arthurs and Patty’s became Patricas. Nicknames give way to more formal birthnames. When I left high school i consciously left behind the rapid fire feel of Debbie Guy for a more, so I thought, elegant sounding Deborah. Debbie was a kid’s name. Deborah (Deb-or-ah) was heroic and lyrical.

Once married i simply tacked on my husband’s name of Skriloff (1st syllable rhymes with drill) and carried on, I was really a grown up now! Then recently something happened, I introduced myself as Deborah Guy Skriloff and someone quickly, brutally and perhaps accurately pointed out that by the time I’d gotten my last name out they’ve forgotten my first and that my name was too difficult to be good for business. (And this from a guy named Detleif who goes by the name Ted). When I relayed this to a friend over dinner (by coincidence another Deborah (pronounced Deb-ra) )she pointed out that she loved the ‘zip’ of ‘Debbie Guy’ and thought I should go back to it  because it suited me and was much easier to pronounce and remember (“good for business!” she opined).

What’s this got to do with being fearless? For me. Everything. The name Debbie is associated with alot of unpleasent memories in my life and becomming Deborah as I entered College was my way of saying “We start fresh here” and that move really supported me. (okay…Moving 3000 miles away didn’t hurt either).

I purposely put a wall up between the two eras and chose to live on the side where i was known as Deborah. If someone asked “can I call you Debbie” I would get a pang in my gut, stare them down and state “No, ‘it’s Deborah’”. As I got older, my staring them down mellowed into a pleasant, experienced, and understanding smile, but it was still “Deborah”.

In Fearless Living terminilogy, many of us have our ‘trigger’. for me. often it is being seen as ordinary, and in my mind ‘Debbie Guy’ was ordinary and kinda corny. If I was Deborah, I was in control of my own destiny, If I was Debbie, I was 8 years old again, named after a snack cake, at the mercy of others and somehow ‘less than’. Triggers can make you think of things in the most irrational of ways.

When Detlief, know as Ted, and then Deborah pronounced Deb-ra, suggested I use Debbie Guy professionally, I thought hmmm, If Debbie Guy works better than Deborah Guy Skriloff so be it. WHAT!?! WHOA!!!! when did that happen!?!? When did my name cease to be a trigger for me?  There was nothing. No kick in the gut, no emotional attachment, nothin, zilch, nada.  i realized in that moment i understood who I was, what talents I had to offer to the world so far and the facade was less important than the work.

Now does that mean I’m going to start introducing myself as Debbie Guy tomorrow?  No I don’t think so.  I do happen to like my name as it is, but maybe I’ll let them call me Deb.

Fearlessly,

Deborah

P.S. Ironically enough, my 30th high school reunion is just around the corner and no matter what my engraved business cards say they are all going to call me ‘Debbie Guy’ anyway. And that’s okay with me. Finally.

Welcome.
This is a very brief but enlightening video about one of the way in which we talk ourselves out of taking action.  This may be one of those wonderful ‘aha!’ moments for you and I hope it is.   Wouldn’t it be fabulous if ‘aha’ moments alone were all we needed in order to have the life we wanted?   Unfortunately experience has borne out that ‘aha moments’ alone aren’t enough.   ‘Aha’ moments won’t change your life.  Only taking a different action than we have in the past changes our life.  But what if our fears of failure or even fears of success prevent us from taking taking the actions we need to take.  Each Month Bridge|Notes will bring you a technique or tool that will support you in getting past your fears and on with creating the business, the life you envision for yourself.

When I first met my husband-to-be, we connected. We laughed and talked, we ‘clicked’ had a lot in common and seemed to enjoy each others differences. Then we got engaged, and everything changed.

Correction, I changed everything. I began to focus on what I thought I should bring to a marriage and what a fiance/husband’s responsibilities should be and then I began the mental list of all the ways both of us were deficient in these things and I began to imagine my entire future as if were all happening in a moment. In short, I got scared and when we are in a state of fear, our instincts kick in and we either ‘fight or take flight’ and I did plenty of both throughout the course of our engagement. We were still connecting but not in a way that either of us were really thrilled about.

At the time, I couldn’t see that my fear was simply an affirmation that I was stepping out of my comfort zone and entering new territory, that I was expanding my experience of humanity and all that mumbo jumbo. All I could feel was fear. I knew how to ‘do’ dating and I really liked that part. But marriage?!? I had no frame of reference I didn’t see it as a glorious adventure. My parents were divorced, my best friend, recently married, was struggling and was not the mentor I had anticipated. I was terrified.

I’ll spare you the temper tantrums and the stewing, they are such faded memories now, but I will say it took a while for us to reconnect in a way that we were both thrilled about again and getting to that point took work in the form of some very specific steps on my part.

The most important shift for me was to to see how innocent he was in this whole thing. He was just being a guy in love who wanted to get married and I was turning it into a redemption song for every failed relationship I had ever experienced, read about or watched in a movie. He was bringing flowers and I wanted guarantees that if I married him my life wouldn’t play out like “The War of the Roses” or the worst-case sequence from “My Fair Lady”.. (I can see her now, “Mrs. Freddy Einsford-Hill,” in a wretched little flat above a store).

I had to learn to share my point of view about what I was looking for in a marriage and be open to his having a different point of view, and then from those two points of views we put together a plan that worked for both of us and didn’t worry about what it looked like to the rest of the world. . I knew this logically but my fear had me believing that If I asked about his point of view I might get an answer I didn’t want to hear and then I’d have to call off the wedding or be married to someone who didn’t want what I wanted, completely forgetting that the reason that we liked each other so much in the first place was that on the important stuff, we clicked. Fear can make you lose all sense of reason. It was a revelation to me to find that not only was his list of expectations for himself as a husband very different from my list of expectations of him as a husband, but that I also kind of liked his list better. We don’t think the same but we have learned to put aside our fears so we can think together.

We’ll be married 15 years in May and even with the house and the kids and the dog and the bunny and the minivan, we stay connected, and the more connected we stay the more it feels like we’re still dating and I really like that part.

Rhonda and Joe demonstrate: A bit dated but makes the point that sometimes our internal dialogues often prevent us from really connecting. Case in point.

TAKE THE CHALLENGE

Today I challenge you, to see innocence. How do you do that? Fortunately, we start by seeing our own innocence. When I became willing to admit that on any given day I was just doing the best I could with the skills I had, I then realized that if that was true for me, then wasn’t it probably true for everyone else as well -including my husband. He was simply doing the best he knew to do with the skills he had. Realizing that was huge for me. It allowed me,, as Rhonda Britten says, to ‘give myself a break, without letting myself off the hook’. It enable me to be okay with where I was at the moment and open to learning the skills I needed to move my life and my love forward. As I gave myself a break and saw my own innoncence. I began to have more compassion for others and see their innocence as well. As I became more compassioniate, I became a ’safer’ person for others to share with me (read: my husband began to see that he could talk to me and I wouldn’t take his head off.). As more people were able to share with me, I felt more connected to my world, to my family, to my husband. I felt more peaceful. I felt joy.

I challenge you to see your own innocence.

Everybody, including me, loves the clip in the trailer from “Pursuit of Happyness” where the father tells the son “If you want something, go get it. period.” But the best part of the the entire scene (and this movie has some great scenes) isn’t even in the clip.

The best moment is when he (the father) realizes that even as he pursues is own dreams he, in the name of protecting his son from disappointment,  implies that his own son temper his own dreams a bit.   But when he realizes it, he then does the nobelist of things: He takes the steps to correct the situation. This is what spawns the great scene that everyone loves in the trailer. Once you have the background you realize this scene is really about him saying ‘hey I got that wrong. Let me clean it up” It’s the humility and integrity of that moment makes it poignant.

The stress in our lives mostly comes from not being at peace with our own actions. Getting it wrong and then having too much  fear to clean it up because we figure we won’t be able to do it well enough.  That is what creates the stress. We all get it wrong somethings. It’s okay to own that and then take a step to make it better.. Notice I said take a step. I didn’t say take on your whole life today and fix it. Just take a step and then take the next one. It’s not about trying to ‘catch up’. I provide the clip above for your enjoyment.

Fearless Regards,

Deborah